But what happens when your loss isn’t recognised by those around you? When people don’t understand your relationship, minimise your experience or expect you to move on quickly? This is known as disenfranchised grief — grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially supported or publicly recognised.
Grief researcher Kenneth Doka first described this concept in 1989. It often overlaps with ambiguous grief, where the loss itself lacks clarity or closure.
Disenfranchised grief can occur in many situations, including:
Relationships
- an ex-partner
- an affair relationship
- an LGBTQ+ relationship that wasn’t public
- an abusive or estranged family member
- loss of grandchildren after family breakdown
Identity and life changes
- infertility
- miscarriage
- adoption
- loss of health
- loss of independence
- loss of home
- loss of citizenship
Deaths that may carry stigma
- suicide
- overdose
- imprisonment
- stigmatised illness
Other significant losses
- pets
- mentors
- clients
- colleagues
- meaningful online relationships
Grief can cause a range of emotions — sadness, despair, anger, and guilt, as well as physical symptoms such as changes in sleep and appetite. These feelings can become even more intense when grief is dismissed or misunderstood, and the person doesn’t receive the support they need.
So, if you recognise yourself in this, what can you do to start healing and give yourself permission to grieve?
You don’t need other people’s permission to grieve
Your relationship, your loss and your experience belong to you.
Others don’t have to fully understand your grief for it to be real. The more significant the loss is to you, the more intense your grief may feel. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
Honour your loss
When grief is not recognised, traditional rituals may no longer be available or may not feel appropriate. Creating your own meaningful ritual can provide space to acknowledge your loss and honour what matters to you.
Rituals help us express grief, honour what has been lost and create meaning when traditional forms of acknowledgement aren’t available. It may be helpful and healing to perform a ritual from your religious, cultural, or spiritual practice to honour and process your grief, if available to you.
When grieving, finding ways to honour your loved one by going to their favourite restaurant or park or continuing a tradition they enjoyed can also help keep the memory of them alive.
Ritual ideas are endless; here are some others to consider:
- Gathering at a park or other location that was special to your loved one.
- Watching your loved one’s favourite movies or listening to their favourite music.
- Writing a note about your loved one and sharing it with others close to them.
Express your feelings
Writing about your loss in a journal or talking about it with someone you trust is another way to process your feelings and thoughts while grieving.
Sometimes grief can be disenfranchised by well-meaning family and friends when they set a time limit on your grief or expect you not to cry or encourage you to ‘move on’ or ‘get over it’. This can result in the griever feeling lonelier, misunderstood and more isolated. It can feel especially painful when support is readily offered for losses society accepts, while your own loss remains unseen.
Accept help and consider professional support
Grief can be exhausting. If people in your life offer practical help, allow yourself to accept it where you can. Whether it’s preparing meals, helping with children or simply sitting with you, support can ease the weight you’re carrying.
If your grief feels overwhelming, or you’re struggling with the lack of understanding from others, talking with a counsellor can provide a safe place to feel heard, process your loss and move forward at your own pace.
One small step today
- Name the loss without judging whether it’s “worthy” of grief.
- Share it with one safe person, or write about it privately.
- Do one small act that honours your loss.
Final words
Some losses are witnessed by many; others are carried quietly and privately, with little recognition from the people around us. That doesn’t make them any less real.
Whatever your loss looks like, it deserves compassion, care and space to be acknowledged. You don’t need permission from others to honour what mattered to you.
Grief is not something to “get over.” It is something we gradually learn to carry as we continue living a meaningful life.
Be gentle with yourself.
You have permission to grieve.
This article also appears on Medium (opens in new tab).